1. Thou shall not rent the movie Chocolat.
2. Under no circumstances may 2 men share an umbrella.
3. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.
4. When you are queried by a buddy’s wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.
5. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
6. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call BULLSH1T (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent)
7. If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever.
8. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who’s running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 babe scale.
9. Complaining about the brand of free beer in a buddy’s refrigerator is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.
10. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a friends birthday is strictly optional and slightly gay.
11. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe that your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with her, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.
12. Before dating a buddy’s “ex”, you are required to ask his permission and he in return is required to grant it.
13. Women who claim they “love to watch sports” must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.
14. If a man’s zipper is down, that’s his problem. * You didn’t see nothin’.
15. The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.
16. A man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend’s cat.
17. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who’s playing.
18. When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiny friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you’ll be able to warn your buddy and give him time to prepare excuses about joining the priesthood.
19. It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you’re sunning on a tropical beach… and a topless supermodel delivers it…and it’s free.
20. Unless you’re in prison, never fight naked.
21. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
22. If a buddy is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, “What this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin”, then you may sit back and enjoy.
23. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while weight lifting: “Yeah, baby, push it!” “C’mon, give me one more! Harder!” “Another set and we can hit the showers.” “Nice ass, are you a Sagittarius?”
24. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That’s just plain mean.
25. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be referring to his beer.
26. Never join your girlfriend/wife in dissing a buddy, except when she’s withholding sex pending your response.
27. Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you’re on equal footing: either both urinating or both waiting in line. In all other situations, a nod is all the conversation you need.
28. If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not join him…too gay.

102 Things Guys need to know about Girls:

1. Do not cheat on a girl. We girls talk, we WILL know, and we WILL find out, and we WILL dump you!

2. Be aware of all your girlfriends’ guy friends, brothers, fathers, or anything. They are protective. Every single male friend we have will kick your ass if you end up hurting her.

3. Never ever miss an opportunity to tell her that she’s beautiful. We girls love that.

4. If she slapped you hard, you probably deserved it.

5. Do not be afraid of holding her. If she’s going out with you in the first place, it’s obvious that she likes you and wants to be in your arms.

6. Every girl should eventually get three things from her boyfriend — a stuffed animal, one of his sweatshirts or hoodie’s, and a really pretty piece of jewelry.

7. Make sure she gets home safely as often as you can. If you’re dropping her off, walk her to the door. If you aren’t dropping her off, call to be sure she’s home safely. We think that’s really cute and sweet.

8. If a guy is bothering your girlfriend, it is your right to beat the sh!t out of him.

9. If you’re talking to a female friend of yours, pull your girlfriend closer. It’ll make her feel secure that you love her more than the other girl.

10. Never ever slap her, even if it’s just in a joking way. Even if she swats you first, and says, “Oh, you’re so dumb” or something, never make any gestures back.

11. Go along with her to a chick flick once in a while. She doesn’t care whether you enjoy it or not, it just matters that you went with her.

12. If you’re officially dating, and you’re introducing her to your friends, you’d better damn well introduce her as your girlfriend. Or else.

13. Girls are fragile. Even if you’re play fighting/wrestling, be very gentle. Let her win once in a while.

14. Memorize your girlfriend’s birthday. You forget her birthday and you’re basically screwed for life. Not gonna lie.

15. Don’t drench yourself in the cologne, but smell good.

16. You don’t have to spend a million dollars on the Birthday/Christmas/Valentine gift. It doesn’t have to be expensive, or cost anything but it has to be meaningful.

17. Don’t ever lie to us; we always find out.

18. Don’t say you understand when you don’t. That’s bad.

19. Remember: Girls are pretty, but yours is the Prettiest!

20. Saying something sweet might get you off the hook; but doing something sweet will always get you off the hook.

21. Size does matter, but only to hoes; not girls that want relationships.

22. No matter what you say, your ex-girlfriend is a hoe. Don’t bother trying to convince us otherwise, that is a bad idea

23. It’s good to be sensitive, to a point.

24. If you did something wrong, apologize. Even if you didn’t, do it anyway.

25. You did something bad. I seem cool with it. I’m not. (See directly above.)

26. We are self-conscious by nature; we can’t help it. Let it be.

27. We don’t shave our legs every day so just get over it.

28. Shave your face, no matter how cool you think your goatee or beard or mustache looks, we probably hate it. We like you clean shaven.

29. Show off a little, we think it’s cute.

30. You are our boyfriend, our man, our protector, whether you know it or not, you are; act like it.

31. You are cute in raglan-sleeved T-shirts (two-toned baseball undershirts).

32. We love it when you hug us from behind and whisper in our ear.

33. “Fine” is NEVER an appropriate response when I ask you how I look.

34. Most of the time when I fantasize, it’s about you. Don’t obsess over that.

35. I expect you to call me. If you don’t, you go down.

36. I’m more forgiving of you than I really should be. Don’t you dare take advantage of that.

37. When I compare my flabby tummy to a kangaroo pouch, say nothing.

38. You look hot in hooded clothing items. Always.

39. You should never tell a girl what to do. Ever.

40. Any decent man will ask a girl out to her face. I mean; if you aren’t man enough to ask us out to our face, who says youre gonna be man enough to our boyfriend at all.

41. Girls are very impressed when you ask them for advice. Unless its about another girl.

42. I’m unimpressed with a man who doesn’t take the lead.

43. When in doubt, go with the shirt that matches your eye color.

44. You’re sexy when you’re shaving, fixing things, wearing a white T-shirt and jeans, driving, eating a peach, holding a baby.

45. Girls need to hear how you feel about them. Often. Tell her now.

46. A girl wants to be the best thing that ever happened to you—and for you to recognize this and tell her.

47. If she’s not feeling loved, she will start looking….

48. We like it when you tell us what you’re thinking, even if you don’t know yourself. It’s cute.

49. It’s cheating as soon as you’re doing something with her that you wouldn’t want me to see, hear, read…

50. For the record: I’d rather you break up with me than cheat.

51. We can fall in love with you without really knowing you, if you are an @ss, we will find out, and we will get over it. Fast. Don’t ruin it.

52. You like her, make a move. Don’t just sit there, you will fail, and you won’t get her.

53. Baseball players are hot. The sport makes you skinny and your arm muscles… well, it’s hot. We’ll go to all your games even if we hate baseball.

54. When you compliment us, we aren’t sure how to accept the compliment without leading you on or reject the compliment without hurting you. So just bear with us here.

55. WE HATE BEING LED ON! If you think it’s bad being led on by a girl, try being led on by a guy.

56. We like it when guys are willing to have an actual relationship, not just a one-night stand. Most girls don’t like pimps or players, just guys who like ONE girl only.

57. But don’t be obssessive. Major turn-off.

58. Call sometimes, just to say hi, not for a certain reason. When we see your number on caller ID, our heart always skips a beat. Try calling just to say good night, or good morning, its soo adorable!

59. BE HONEST!

60. Don’t ONLY tell us what we want to hear. We HATE that.

61. At sleepovers, if you wonder what we talk about, quit worrying. It really is only you.

62. If you catch us staring, it is most likely because we’re spacing out, not because we really stare at you. Unless we smile when you notice. Then you either look really hot, or we like you.

63. We like it when you hold us when we’re crying. It’s good to feel loved and safe.

64. Don’t go to our friends to talk about us. Come straight to us.

65. Don’t tell us you love us unless you are positive you mean it. If we don’t say it back, it’s just that we really want to mean it when we say it. Don’t say it right away, then it shows lack of commitment.

66. We like our hands to be held and our waists to be touched.

67. We like you to kiss our hand and cheeks and forehead (esp. forehead!!), not just shove your tongue down our throats. We do like to breathe.

68. We like it when you’re tender, but don’t lose your masculinity.

69. Do chivalrous things when we least expect it (ex. holding doors for us).

70. As surprising as it may be, while guys might actually look at personality, the first thing girls look at tends to be looks. We’re not going to see you and think, ‘I wonder what his personality is like!’ Terrible, but true.

71. If we love you, and youre hurt on the basketball court, rolling on the floor in pain; we’re hurting more just watching you.

72. We LOVE it when you get nervous around us. It’s adorable! Don’t think you have to be Mr. Cool Guy all the time.

73. Don’t play hard to get. We’ll get bored and move on.

74. If you don’t call us, then we will spend hours thinking about why you never called, and we will waste a lot of time thinking about it, eventually coming to the conclusion that we don’t like you anymore.

75. We lost interest quickly if you lead us on but never take action.

76. We might seem to flirt a lot, but a girl always thinks about the one guy she really likes right before she falls asleep.

77. When a girl likes a guy, she subconsciously gives him a song that makes her think of him every time she hears it.

78. If guys do the same as girls do in #77, tell her what song reminds you of her.

79. Randomly compliment girls in conversations. If you’re talking about sports, be like “Oh, by the way, that shirt really made your eyes look green today.” It totally throws us off, and we love it.

80. Ask us about how we’re doing once in a while, and at least pretend to be interested.

81. If we’re not talking to you, we secretly want you to talk to us first.

82. Play with our hair without being like a gay hairstylist.

83. We get really happy when you show any sign of interest. Don’t just do it and then never do it again. Bad bad bad…

84. Keep up the conversation on IM and phones and in person! Don’t be awkward. That’s bad.

85. We will always feel bad if we don’t like you back. Not all girls are b!tches, no matter what you may think. We hate to reject you.

86. ok, so some girls are b!tches and they like rejecting boys, but the people who wrote this group are not. better?

87. If we say “Let’s just be friends”, we really mean it. Don’t keep trying to pursue us, and don’t say ok and then ignore us. That’s just mean and horrible.

88. It’s adorable when a best guy friend who a girl has thought about liking confesses he likes her.

89. If you’re single, find the one girl who’s always there on the sidelines at your football game, or at each of your concerts, all your baseball games. She loves you. Her excuse may be that she’s there for her brother, but she’s really there for you.

90. After you find that girl, smile at her once in a while, it’ll mean the world to her.

91. Get to know her, you’ll make her year first of all, and maybe, just maybe, you’ll end up liking her.

92. Not all blondes are b!tches. Some are cool.

93. Not all blondes are sluts. Some have morals.

94. In your mind, give every girl a chance. Each one deserves at least one.

95. Girls fantasize too, its just not always about sex.

96. We girls give you guys code names so that you don’t know that we’re talking about you. :]

97. If you’re jealous, it may suck for you, but we think it’s attractive if you really care that much.

98. If a girl blushes when you talk to her, she either likes you or she’s embarrassed by what you’re saying.

99. Girls don’t really write your name on a piece of paper a million times if they like you, that’s a myth…… sometimes

100. If a girl really likes you, just seeing you will make her day.

101. Even if you aren’t all that cute, and we like you, we think you’re hot. Don’t take advantage of that, take pride in that.

102. Every time you smile at us, it may mean only a little to you, but it means the world to us. Don’t take the little things for granted.

the-zebra-freak:

A man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw a man eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

“Why are you eating grass?” he asked the man.

“I don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied.

“Oh, please come to my house!”

“But sir, I have a wife and four children…”

“Bring them along!” the rich man said.

They all climbed into the limo. Once underway, the poor fellow said, “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us in.”

The rich man replied, “No, you don’t understand. The grass at my house is over three feet tall!” [LOL! What a miser!!]